There is something almost romantic about the story of the beast turned the perfect romcom main character boyfriend. It might be that under his emotional unavailabilty, bad decisions, questionable speeches, and red flags, there might be a good guy. waiting for a good woman to bring him out. But, unfortunately, outside of the romcoms and chick flicks there is usually not such a thing as a good guy to bring out.
Let's think about it. If his mom, his ex, his other ex, and his other 20 exes before you weren't that woman (They were all crazy, right?), what makes you think you are the one in a billion woman that will make this frog turn into a prince? We have seen it again and again: "He's actually really sweet once you get to know him", "He's been through a lot", "It's just hard for him to communicate", "He'll change", and the more important one "I can fix him". But how many have tried and how many have failed?
Maybe he will change, sure. But is it our job to fix him?
The "I can fix him" mindset has made relationships feel more like a project instead of the mutual happines of both sides envolved. Instead of asking "Does this relationship actually makes me happy?" we just ask ourselves "How can I make this relationship work?". Yes, we should try to make it work if possible, but it shouldn't be a one-person job.
This mindset is about falling in love with potential over reality. It is about changing and shaping someone to fit our wishes, maybe because he's a handosome man that is anything but good. Or because he's a good man that is anything but handsome.
But you're not in love with the relationship you have, just in the one you could have.
And that can keep you stuck for years.
Because potential has no deadline.
Eventually, you can spend so much time waiting for someone's potential that you completely miss what their behavior is telling you right now.
The problem is: While you're fixing them, who is fixing you?
Who is taking care of yout feelings, your fears, your constantly anxious mind?
While yout playing the act of mom, confident, partner, and therapist; accepting, understanding, and forgiving. Who is looking out for you?
You can become so focused on saving someone else that you slowly stop recognizing yourself. Until one day you look in the mirror and realize that the girl who used to have boundaries has disappeared somewhere inside the relationship. All so he can maybe be the man you want him to be.
But you're not aa character development arc. Romantizing this idea won't automatically make you the main character of a romantic movie with a happily ever after. The bad boy won't became a good boyfriend because of you.
Sometimes you just have to know that:
You can't fix him.
💯💯💯
ReplyDelete